Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Question of Hope

I do not suppose that anyone would know what I am talking about nor would care to know. I am guessing that my own perception of life in the eve of twenty-seven would be looked at as of any difference. Of course, it can be when it is hurriedly approaching at a time of singleness. I would say that in writing this I would be expressing some form of hope when it comes to love. I look at the frankness of my youth and its utter character as a passerby. To think that when I was but fifteen it would have been the end of the world for me to think of being alone at my age. I know that the things that governed my every thought back then are now but a distant memory too wide stretched and as though I would be looking into the life of another. Even so, it is apparent that I Kandid do have my hope and faith in love for it is my faith in God that sustains me; for we all know that if God is love then it is a hope that is everlasting.

I too can not help but to think on the things that would say otherwise. My hope is great though and amass to all of the pressures of conforming to a lower standard I think myself to be doing quite well. But, alas my heart does yearn. Even in this yearning I question if my waiting were in vain. At times I am not surprised when I hear of certain persons getting married so quickly. Do I blame them? No. Not to say that marriage is the be all and end all but, it is the thought of having someone near you. Adoring you, wanting you, caring for you, and giving themselves to you and the same of giving yourself to another. At times it pains me to think on these things and I have even had times where I thought "If only I were a man." Surprising? *chuckle* Shocking? Can anyone relate, is the question or have I gone mad? I guess the purpose would be to avoid hurt but, the lie even would be to say that men do not feel pain, loneliness, or uncertainty when it comes to love. I would say that my backwards desire is a selfish one and in order to skip all the eventfulness of a woman's mind.

Suppose I am but ranting, yet, I would like to explore this a bit. What is the difference between my loneliness and the loneliness of a man? Surely, a man wants to be wanted, needed, longed for, adored in some sort of fashion but, is it all different? I may never have this question answered or any question for that matter. I guess that in my waiting I would like to understand my counter part. Therein too, I am at a bit of a loss. For example one of my dealings is the aspect of availability. You hear it many a time to make oneself available. How is that? When you are a woman of good moral standing, not flirtatious, nor ill of mind, how do you make yourself available when you are right there, open and ready to commit? I must say that I do not understand my own role but, I am like a story ready to move on to another chapter in life. Hmm....although socially the thought of time would, (I imagine) seem but an enemy to a woman then to a man. What is time anyway but the lowly ticking's of sound and word. I guess I just continue to wait and keep hope that one day, some day I can finally expose my love to my chosen. Until then I sigh.

No comments: